Gazdele de televiziune vizibil zguduite au incercat sa-si pastreze atitudinea in spatele biroului, deoarece au anuntat ca colegul lor Matt Lauer a fost concediat pentru acuzatii de conduita sexuala. Saptamana trecuta, co-ancoratii lui Charlie Rose au fost cei care aratau ca cerbi in faruri, in timp ce anuntau acuzatii impotriva lui. Inainte de asta, publicul a vazut comediantul Sarah Silverman luptand cu stirile despre calcarile lui Louis CK.
In calitate de barbat celebru, dupa ce barbatul celebru este acuzat de abateri sexuale – Garrison Keillor a fost, de asemenea, acuzat miercuri – victimele care vorbeste suporta trauma emotionala si reactia profesionala. Dar prietenii, colegii si cei dragi ai acuzatului sunt lasati, de asemenea, sa inteleaga ceea ce s-a intamplat, uneori intr-un mod foarte public.
„Tot ce putem spune este ca suntem impacati”, a spus co-gazda lui Lauer, Savannah Guthrie, care parea sa fie aproape de lacrimi in timp ce isi dezvalui concedierea. “Inima mi-e distrusa… . Cum va impacati iubirea pentru cineva cu revelatia ca s-a comportat prost? ”
Acestia se afla in ceea ce este cunoscut sub numele de „traume secundare”, spun specialistii, ceea ce inseamna ca nu au fost persoanele presupuse hartuite sau agresate, dar au un sentiment profund de tradare din partea unei persoane pe care credeau ca o cunosc.
Si ridica intrebarea: Ce face cineva daca un prieten, coleg sau persoana iubita este acuzat de asa ceva? Ce se intampla cu relatia respectiva?
Silverman a vorbit despre asta in cadrul emisiunii sale Hulu „Te iubesc, America” cand CK, prietena ei apropiata, si-a cerut scuze.
„Il iubesc pe Louis, dar Louis a facut aceste lucruri. Ambele afirmatii sunt adevarate, asa ca continuu sa ma intreb, poti iubi pe cineva care a facut lucruri rele? Ii mai poti iubi? ” Spuse Silverman.
O revelatie de genul acesta poate fi dificil de gestionat pentru oricine si cu atat mai mult atunci cand sunt in ochiul public si emotiile lor sunt expuse, a declarat Angela C. Esquivel, co-fondatoare si director executiv al proiectului non-profit As One Pro, organizarea de sprijin pentru prieteni si familie de supravietuitori ai abuzurilor sexuale.
„Ne zguduie la baza cand aflam ca cineva de care suntem apropiati sau cunoastem de multa vreme face aceste fapte sau crime impotriva altor persoane”, a spus Esquivel. „Ne poate provoca un sentiment de„ Daca ceea ce stiam inainte nu mai este adevarat, ce este adevarat acum? ” „
Ea a spus ca oamenii ar putea avea diferite motive pentru a mentine sau pentru a incheia relatia. Membrii familiei, de exemplu, ar putea avea mai multe stimulente pentru a mentine relatia, in timp ce cineva care a crezut intotdeauna ca barbatul este infiorator, ar putea fi fericit sa o lase sa mearga.
„Relatiile salvabile sunt o intrebare atat de grea”, a spus Esquivel. „In functie de relatie, ambele parti ar putea dori sa salveze ceea ce exista. Cu siguranta ar fi o mare bariera.
Ea a spus ca nu exista o modalitate gresita de abordare.
“Shunning the person that did this might be helpful for some, and for others it might not be,” she said. “Working toward reconciliation might be working toward regaining a sense of wellness, as long as the person is not compromising their own emotional health and well-being.”
When Charlie Rose’s co-anchor Gayle King was on air the morning after The Washington Post revealed that eight women had accused him of sexual harassment, she was candid about her feelings.
“I really am reeling,” King said. “I got one hour and 42 minutes of sleep last night.
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Both my son and my daughter called me; Oprah called me and said, ‘Are you okay?’ I am not okay.”
The best chance of saving a relationship is if a person offers a sincere apology both to the victims and secondary victims, is generally remorseful and works to make amends to the people they’ve hurt, experts said.
And, of course, figuring out if or how a relationship can withstand such a situation has a lot to do with the depth of the relationship in the first place.
“If a person feels like they can see something bigger beyond the behavior they might think it’s worth it to maintain the relationship,” said Dallas-based sex therapist Michael Salas said. “If there’s a core that’s bigger.”
Experts say it is important not to make excuses for the behavior or put the allegations in a hierarchy of bad behavior by other men.
Violent behavior is in its own awful category but experts say nonviolent misdeeds should be taken very seriously as well. Don’t try to figure out what’s worse, for example, for a man to pat a woman’s behind without permission or for him to walk around naked in front of her. That, they say, can be a form of minimizing the misdeeds, even denying them.
“People are missing the point when they compare the allegations,” Salas said. “What’s happening when people come forward is that we say we are no longer going to pretend these things are okay.”
He said the common theme of all the allegations is men who misuse their power and women who for a long time thought they had to endure it in silence.
“They’re all speaking to a similar stream of power and silence around sex and people not always feeling safe to come forward,” Salas said.
In the aftermath of something like this, Esquivel said, the wide circle of people affected should focus on taking care of themselves.
“They need to take stock of where they are personally and see what will make them safe physically and emotionally,” she said.
