Cu aproximativ doua saptamani in urma am avut o perioada uimitoare sa vorbesc cu o clasa de aproximativ 100 de studenti despre viata mea care traiesc cu SIDA. Tot ce pot spune este ca nu astept sa o fac din nou. Nu stiu cine a avut timpul mai bun in acea zi, elevii sau eu. Am crezut ca voi impartasi cu voi discursul pe care l-am sustinut. Este povestea mea cu mai mult povestea pe care nu am dezvaluit-o cititorilor mei. Sper sa va placa sa cititi acest discurs.
Mikey
Buna ziua ma numesc Mikey si sunt o persoana care traieste cu SIDA in picioare inaintea voastra pentru a va povesti povestea mea de viata. M-am nascut in Lancaster Pa. Iar familia mea va fi considerata clasa inferioara. Tatal meu a lucrat la o fabrica de ceasuri, iar mama a fost o sedere la mama acasa, care uneori a avut un loc de munca cu timp partial pentru a ajuta sprijinul familiei noastre.
Cand eram copil spuneti intre 6 si 8 ani, am stiut ca sunt diferit. Am fost atras de alti baieti, dar nu stiam ce inseamna termenul „Gay”. La sfarsitul anilor ’60, la inceputul anilor ’70, nu exista internet pentru a cerceta baietii care le plac baietilor si nu puteam sa le spun parintilor mei sentimentele mele. Abia dupa ce m-au intrebat mai tarziu daca sunt homosexual si le-am spus ca da. Daca erau suficient de mari pentru a pune intrebarea, atunci am simtit ca sunt suficient de mari pentru a gestiona raspunsul.
Am fost elev mediu in liceu. M-am alaturat echipei de gimnastica si am devenit co-capitan anul meu principal. In scoala am fost preluat pentru ca sunt scurt si mi se spunea foarte mult fag si fagot. Dupa ce am terminat studiile, am stat cativa ani la Lancaster si am sfarsit sa ma mut la Harrisburg cu un prieten. Nu am gasit acolo nicio munca decenta care sa plateasca si sa aiba nevoie de bani. In cele din urma am sfarsit prin calatorie inainte si inapoi in Baltimore, unde am lucrat la un club de striptease gay. Deplasarea a fost prea multa si am ajuns sa ma mut la Baltimore, unde l-am intalnit pe partenerul meu Matthew timp de noua ani la clubul unde lucram.
Eu si Matthew ne-am mutat unii cu altii si amandoi am vrut cu adevarat sa ne mutam in California. In iunie ’97, Matthew a primit o oferta de munca aici. A trebuit sa impachetam toate apartenentele noastre si sa fim aici in California in termen de o saptamana pentru a putea, cu exceptia ofertei de munca. Asa ca amandoi ne-am mutat aici in California cu mine crezand ca suntem cuplul fericit si vom fi impreuna pentru totdeauna.
La aproximativ 9 sau 10 luni dupa ce ne-am mutat in California, Matthew a despartit de mine intalnirea si a adus alti barbati inapoi acasa. Dupa un timp am inceput sa intalnesc si Matei si cu mine am mai trait impreuna inca 7 ani pana am imbolnavit.
Am inceput sa ma intalnesc cu un tip din Monterey. Il voi numi James. Nu prea sunt sigur daca James a fost cel care m-a infectat, dar eu si Matthew credem ca am fost el. Am fost complet infatuat de James. Era dragut, amabil, cu inima mare si conducea un Porche. El si cu mine am avut cel mai bun sex din viata mea. Da, am avut relatii sexuale neprotejate, dar inainte sa le facem, mi-a spus ca este negativ inainte de a le face. Stiam ca sunt negativ si la acea vreme (din ceea ce stiam despre el la acea vreme, nu credeam ca va minti despre starea lui HIV / SIDA). Trebuie sa recunosc ca o parte din acestea era substanta imbunatatita cu Meth si poppers . Oricine s-a infectat daca nu era James nu mi-a spus despre starea lor HIV / SIDA sau nu stia ca sunt pozitive. Una din patru persoane care au HIV / SIDA nu stiu ca au virusul. Eram in cel din patru procente. Acum nu am impuscat niciodata, dar mi-a placut sa fumez. Nu, nu am fost niciodata dependent de droguri, cum ar putea crede unii dintre voi. Am pus atatea bariere si limitari pentru mine, astfel incat sa nu devin dependent.
Dupa ce ne-am despartit, am fost testat din nou pentru HIV, iar testul a revenit negativ. Nu stiam prea mult la acea vreme virusul stapanea sistemul imunitar. Asta a fost in 2001.
Pe masura ce virusul HIV / SIDA a pus stapanire, pur si simplu nu mi-a placut sa ies si sa fac lucruri in zilele mele libere. Am vrut doar sa ma racoresc in fata televizorului si sa ma relaxez. Toata viata mea a fost despre lucru si nimic altceva. Fara sex, fara divertisment altceva decat muncind, dormind si mancand.
Trecusera trei ani, iar seful meu la acea vreme mi-a spus intr-o zi „Lucrezi sau ceva pentru ca pierzi multa greutate”. Nu stiam prea putin in momentul in care am inceput sa intru in ceea ce este cunoscut sub numele de „talie”. Aveam aceste dureri si dureri si ca majoritatea oamenilor ma gandeam „E doar de la imbatranirea”.
La inceputul verii 2004, imi amintesc ceva care imi iesea din gura. A fost o bucata de zguduire (nu stiam ce esec la acea vreme). Mi-am verificat gura pentru a vedea daca mai exista ceva acolo si nu exista asa ca m-am gandit „Bine, este ceva ciudat, candva, corpul meu. N-am spus niciodata nimanui ca am gasit acea bucata de zgomot decat atunci. Nu am cunoscut toate simptomele HIV / SIDA si mai tarziu am aflat ca lista este la fel de lunga ca bratul meu.
Asa ca septembrie 2004 vine in jur si arat ca un schelet de mers. Matthew si oamenii din jurul meu nu spun nimic despre felul in care arat, sau le era frica sa nu-mi mentioneze nimic. Incerc sa muncesc, dar a trebuit sa sun foarte mult in bolnavi si poate am fost capabil sa fac 10 ore de munca pe saptamana.
My weight is down from 140 pounds to about 110 pounds. The thrush had completely taken over my mouth and is partially down my throat. In fact it so bad it is growing on the outside of my mouth. It was very hard for me to talk, let alone eat, and drink anything. When I would cough, big chunks of thrush got stuck in my throat. I had a towel by my bed so when I coughed up the thrush I had something to spit it into. I hid that from Matthew at the time so he wouldn’t worry.
I couldn’t pay the rent now form being so sick. I didn’t have health insurance for my job didn’t offer it, (I was working for a nationwide sandwich chain). The county refused to see me because I couldn’t afford the co-pay they wanted due to being so sick, and couldn’t see a doctor because of finances and no insurance.
Finally, Matthew asked his doctor in S.F. about what I was going through, and Matthew asked me if I was tested for HIV/AIDS. I said not lately, I haven’t slept with anyone since May of 2001. Why would I need to be tested? The last test came back negative.
So on September 30, 2004 I tested positive for the HIV virus. One week before my birthday.
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When the person told me I burst out into tears right there at SCAP free testing site.. So after I was tested Matthew had himself tested to make sure he wasn’t positive since we lived together. He was and still is negative to this day. That night I cried myself to sleep thinking I’m going to die in a few weeks.
So Matthew’s doctor tells him I should try to sign up for ADAP (AIDs Drugs Assistance Program). After I tested positive, now the county wanted to do all they could for me. One day before my birthday I see a county doctor. He is asking me all sorts of personal questions I wasn’t ready to answer . He thought I had known I was positive for awhile, I am thinking he’s a cold hearted bastard who doesn’t care. Again I burst into tears in the doctor’s office.
On October 20 of 2004 I received my first lab results. My viral load was 551,221 and my CD 4 aka as T cell count was 65. Yes, I found out I had full blown AIDS. Again I burst out into tears in the doctor’s office. For those of you who don’t know the standard right now is anything above a 200 count you have HIV+, anything below that you have full blown AIDS. Even if your T cell goes back above 200 you are still considered a person living with AIDS.
I still can’t pay any rent due to not working and my benefits (Unemployment) have not come in yet. I could barely walk to the end of our driveway and back without being exhausted. About two weeks later, someone shows up at the front door. I answered the door and a person hands me an eviction notice from the landlord. Later I found out Matthew told that landlord I was dead. He was quite shoked when he saw me alive and well. Frankly I think I look pretty damn good for a dead person. About this time I started my cocktails.
The Sunday or two before we have to be out, I had to go to the emergency room. I was trying to drink and eat but things are only going half way down and coming right back up and out. I had to have three IV’s bags of saline solution to rehydrate me. It seems I was allergic to one of the meds in my cocktail. I couldn’t get a hold of the county nurses or the doctors at the time because it was a weekend and the ones on call never returned my messages. I have stopped taking that med and if I do take it again it will kill me.
So the week of Thanksgiving that year, I am made to pack up and move all our belongings with Matthew. Matthew was going to live with at that time with his so called boyfriend. So now I am thinking I am going to be out living on the street.
I thinking I’d be homeless The Santa Cruz Aids Project was able to put me into a HIV/AIDS support house. I lived in that house until the first of February of 2005 when I was evicted again for my benefits had ran out and no one would employee me. After that I lived in another HIV house transitional which this time was run by SCAP till the end of January this year.
I truly feel that the Santa Cruz AIDS project saved my life and I try to give back to them as much as I can. I try to volunteer for them as much as possible. I’m here today speaking in front of you today for them.
My life has truly changed since I found out I have AIDS. Have seen the effects of the cocktails on my body and deal with their side effects daily. I try do out online outreach on the internet when I’m feeling up to it. I try to educate what it’s like for one man to live with AIDS. I am now at a point in my life where I want to date again and maybe have a partner and finding out that people (gay or straight) don’t want to have partner who has HIV/AIDS. They would rather stay ignorant then learning about safe sex which the Santa Cruz AIDS Project’s educational department strives toward. So I say to all of you in here today. Applaud yourselves for being the educated and learning about HIV/AIDS. Applaud yourselves for leaning so me like myself aren’t discriminated against for you are the future of HIV/AIDS awareness. Last thing I’d like to say is before I take your questions is… As a whole the general public is more dangerous to someone living with HIV/AIDS then we are to you.
