De ce sotul meu si cu mine facem uneori relatii sexuale cu alti oameni

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Ultima actualizare pe 28 februarie 2020

Imi amintesc viu prima data cand am simtit-o. Sotul meu si cu mine eram in curte, lasand la soare, sorbind bauturi in timp ce imi povestea despre ce s-a ridicat cu o seara inainte. In timp ce vorbea, chipul ii parea mai luminos, cu ochii mai limpezi. Am vazut o reemergenta brusca a vitalitatii sale pe care nu o vazusem pe deplin in cuibul nostru domestic de mai multi ani.

„Copilule!”, Am exclamat, sincer incantat, „Sunt atat de fericit pentru tine!”

Ce a adus aceste sentimente de bucurie in amandoi? Tocmai facuse sex cu o alta femeie. Si, da, am fost impiedicat de el.

De ce unii oameni isi lasa sotii si sotiile sa doarma cu altcineva.

Exista de fapt un cuvant pentru sentimentul vesel pe care il are o persoana atunci cand iubitul sau sotia ei intra pe usa dupa ce a facut dragoste cu un alt iubit: se numeste compresiune. Compresiunea este un concept atat de inedit, incat nici macar nu veti gasi cuvantul in dictionar, dar este o idee binecunoscuta in randul persoanelor poliamoroase si al persoanelor in relatii deschise.

Sa te simti calduros si plin de ura pentru ca sotul tau s-a distrat de minune pe altcineva, nu este ceva ce suntem socializati.

Dar in acel moment in curtea in care sotul meu descria o sedinta de machiaj spontan, m-am simtit exuberant de fericit pentru el despre legatura lui cu altcineva. M-am simtit usor neplacut pentru asta, dar a fost la un moment dat in casnicia noastra cand romantismul in dormitor a fost intr-un timp mereu scazut. Sexul in relatiile de lunga durata fluctua, iar intre stresorii financiari, cresterea copiilor si lucrul ca un nebun, nu ne distram prea mult. Deci, sincer, cred ca am fost fericit sa vad ca sotul meu era inca sexual.

Dar, de asemenea, s-a simtit infricosator. Nu pentru ca nu a fost o modalitate grozava de a iubi pe cineva, ci din cauza judecatii anticipate de la „politia casatoriei”, acei oameni in care ma intalnesc la intalniri PTA, evenimente sportive scolare si la magazinul alimentar suburban. Acestia ar dezaproba respingator faptul ca sotul meu are un iubit si ar strange si mai multa dezaprobare pentru ca sunt fericit pentru el. Chiar daca devine mai comuna, exista o stigma puternica in jurul non-monogamiei consensuale.

Dar aceasta experienta a catalizat un mod nou si productiv de gandire pentru mine, incepand cu o serie de intrebari esentiale: de ce sotul meu si cu mine trebuie sa mentinem status quo-ul daca nu functiona pentru noi? A cui a fost treaba daca am fi vrut sa fim sexuali cu alte persoane? Si de ce nu am vrea sa facem ceva care sa faca ca mariajul nostru sa functioneze mai bine?

Why having sex with other people can make sense in committed relationships.

Compersion fascinates me because it sanctions the idea of our partner deriving pleasure in a context separate from us, and from another source. In this way, compersion is antithetical to how we view relationships and expect to operate in them. We are raised to believe that when we are one half of a couple, we should derive all our happiness and pleasure from that single partner and only experience it together with that partner.

And compersion, of course, challenges this ideology. It supports the idea that you are individual beings with perhaps divergent desires or needs. Having separate sexual and love experiences doesn’t mean your relationship is a failure; to the contrary, it can actually strengthen your connection.

In my research (which consists of Socratic-style questioning of hundreds of friends, acquaintances, coworkers, clients, and strangers) I’ve seen how the whole relationship lockdown breeds an almost viral tendency to take the other person for granted, to have huge expectations, and to deliver this all from a sense of duty and obligation — without a thank you! This stifling setup can prohibit the joyful feeling of compersion.

Can you pursue compersion in a monogamous relationship? Yes. It’s a quality that can help enliven any relationship. By giving it a go you could open your heart to many happy and interesting possibilities. There are so many polyamorous practices that could help monogamous couples.

Sometimes people ask me if I get jealous. I absolutely do — I feel it all. But as Esther Perel, the famous psychotherapist and author of Mating in Captivity, has said, “We need a productive conversation about infidelity.” This is my productive conversation. And it is just that: a conversation, dynamic, evolving.

To me, compersion is a lifestyle; it’s a way to love and to be loved. I want my beloved, spouse, mate, partner (you choose the word) to care profoundly about what makes me thrive, as I care profoundly about his happiness.

What an “open marriage” really means.

I would not call myself polyamorous nor would I say I am monogamous. I have no interest in relationship labels and trying to follow someone else rules, especially in the most intimate of chambers — my marriage.

There are times my marriage is open. There are times it is shut. There are times in my life that it was perfect to be polyamorous; there are times when I did not want to “share” my partner.

But here’s the thing: in my “modern marriage” (for lack of a better phrase) I reserve the right to have choices. I want an ongoing, open conversation with my spouse. I frequently turn to my man — when we are relaxing together, sipping martini’s at a crowded bar, lying in a meadow near our road bikes after an exhausting ride — and I ask, “How’s it going for you? What do you need?” It’s a casual inquiry that happens about once a week. Because love is a verb, and I want my actions to be responsive.

Of course, many forces threaten eros — bills, caring for kids, ambitious careers. But I still want an erotic charge in my marriage — and sometimes that comes by way of another person. That’s normal. Let’s not pathologize these very natural eruptions of eroticism.

My husband and I deliberately choose to have conversations about what we do with these sexual attractions. Sometimes it’s nothing at all. Sometimes it’s “legalized cheating.” I purposefully use this absurd phrase because “legalized cheating” seems to be the only way some people can wrap their minds around what I am doing. It’s as if they think that there are “marriage rules” ordained by God and society, and that any deviation of the rules — even if consensual — is “cheating.

“

Cheating is so much more digestible to many people than “ethical non-monogamy.” For some, monogamy is the only way to construct a relationship, and if we have “slips” or affairs, at least we are still faithful to that supreme goal of monogamy.

But my intention in my marriage is so much broader. I want longevity, sure. A 50-year golden anniversary sounds great. But only if we are still in love, if there is still a spark, a passion an excitement to connect. Having this open and honest communication keeps that spark.

Bottom line? I want choices and intelligent discourse. Knowledge is power and intelligence. I want the illumination of fully knowing the man I love. Even if it sends my heart accelerating with some fear. Because even if there’s fear, there’s an opportunity for a conversation, an openness, a dynamism that will keep the spark alive.

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De ce sotul meu si cu mine facem uneori relatii sexuale cu alti oameni

De ce unii oameni isi lasa sotii si sotiile sa doarma cu altcineva.

Why having sex with other people can make sense in committed relationships.

What an “open marriage” really means.

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