Sexul si cei peste 60 de ani

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cu ani in urma la New York, am intervievat Helen Gurley-Brown, pisicuta, dar formidabila creatoare a Cosmopolitan, care avea atunci 80 de ani. Fara preambul, ea s-a lansat in favoarea entuziasta a unui lubrifiant numit Astroglide: „Sunteti sigur”, a spus ea sever , “ca sunteti cu totii goopy inainte de a va culca”. La vremea respectiva, am fost prins. Acum sunt mai in varsta, pare mai putin amuzant.

Tinerii sunt adesea surprinsi de faptul ca femeile in varsta fac sex deloc. Pe Gransnet, site-ul de retea sociala pentru bunici pe care il editez, un poster a descris sarbatorirea aniversarii a 55 de ani la locul de munca si a fost intrebat de o colega mult mai tanara la ce varsta a renuntat la sex. Ea a raspuns ca o va anunta cand s-a intamplat; cealalta femeie, a spus ea, „arata ingrozita”.

De fapt, persoanele de peste 60 de ani sunt acum cel mai rapid grup care contracta boli cu transmitere sexuala, potrivit cifrelor agentiilor guvernamentale. Din 2002, sifilisul s-a triplat in cei peste 65 de ani in Marea Britanie, iar HIV a crescut cu 60%. Chiar si permitand faptul ca pornim de la o baza scazuta, aceasta nu este in mod evident purdah post-menopauza.

O mare parte din ignoranta cu privire la sex si la persoana in varsta provine din rezistenta la gandirea la oamenii batrani, cel putin la toate trupurile lor. Exista o teama culturala profunda de imbatranire, care ii glorifica pe cei mici si depaseste orice vechime: „infrastructura imbatranita”, „industriile de apus”. Acest dezastru are tendinta de a alimenta perceptia persoanelor in varsta ca un grup omogen – ceea ce este absurd, deoarece avem tendinta de a deveni mai diversificata, mai afirmativa cu privire la gusturile si neplacerile noastre, pe masura ce imbatranim. Este probabil sa fie la fel de adevarat de sex ca de orice altceva. Cu siguranta, impresia pe care o dau discutiile despre Gransnet este ca exista un spectru de activitati, de la „nimeni si nu deranjat”, la „loturi si mai mult pentru mai mult”. O parte din aceasta poate fi, de asemenea, extrem de inventiva, daca este doar necesara.

Cand un Gransnetter a intrebat recent: “Daca 16 ani sunt considerati prea tineri pentru sex, cand este prea batran?” opinia majoritara a fost rezumata ca „cand nu va puteti aminti ce este sexul” si „va voi spune cand voi ajunge acolo”. In mod clar, exista un mare plus pentru a fi mai in varsta, in sensul ca intimitatea beneficiaza de timp si de lipsa copiilor si adolescentilor. „Multumesc Domnului pentru HRT si pensionare – este mai bine ca oricand (58 de ani)”, spune un poster. „Nu-mi pasa cine este programat sa faca ce sau cand”, spune un altul. “Sunt casatorit de aproape 40 de ani si nu am nicio intentie sa renunt la siestele noastre si la minciunile de weekend”.

Dupa cum sugereaza referinta HRT, menopauza poate declansa o criza. Cei care navigheaza prin ea s-ar putea sa fie nevoit sa se adapteze, sa utilizeze ajutoare tip Astroglide sau alte asistente chimice. Dar, printre cei care incetinesc, nu sunt neaparat (sau mai ales, in conformitate cu panoul nostru de auto-selectie) femeile care iau decizia. “Sotul meu nu a incercat niciodata sa faca sex de la un ‘esec’ (primul vreodata) acum 16 ani – de atunci nu a fost niciodata discutat.”

“We haven’t bothered since 1999,” says another woman. “There was no discussion or decision, it’s just never been mentioned since then – on a holiday to Tunisia, to be precise.” A combination of reticence and a bland assumption by young GPs that menopause will put paid to sexual desire leaves some people accepting that sex doesn’t go on for ever, though not all are reconciled to the idea. Some are left with a sense of mourning: “I miss wanting sex as much as the sex itself.”

Menopause may not, of course, be the only or main cause of waning desire, even when it takes the blame. New relationships have a suspicious habit of reviving enthusiasm. “It’s much better when you live alone and have ‘visits’,” says nanachrissy. “When I was married, I think sex was spoiled by underlying resentments and suppressed anger. Now there are no strings and sex is the best ever. Also I have no hangups about my body, because I don’t really care what he thinks (although he is very kind!).”

The memoirist Diana Athill writes, in Somewhere Towards the End, of her sadness that making love with her “dear habitual companion” had staled: “Familiarity had made the touch of his hand feel so much like the touch of my own hand that it no longer conveyed a thrill.” She assumed this was a question of her age – she was in her late 50s – until she met someone else and experienced what she thinks of as a reprieve: “I found, to my amusement and pleasure, that novelty could restore sex.”

Film director Nora Ephron says that sex in your 60s is very different to sex in your 20s. Photograph: Linda Nylind for the Guardian

Nora Ephron, who has written entertainingly about ageing, maintains that if you’re lucky enough to be having sex in your 60s, you won’t be having the sex you had in your 20s. This is probably true, although it doesn’t have to be worse. Some Gransnetters claim to be having the best time of their lives. The ingenuity of people with dodgy hips should not be underestimated, nor, for those with less than fighter-pilot reactions, should Slow Love.

When Jane Juska was 66 and living in Berkeley, California, she placed an ad in the New York Review of Books: “Before I turn 67, next March,” she wrote, “I would like to have a lot of sex with a man I like. If you want to talk first, Trollope works fine.”

Her bestseller, A Round-Heeled Woman (and the play adapted from the book, starring Sharon Gless, which finishes a West End run this week) catalogues a sexual odyssey that is by turns alarming, sad, funny and pleasurable.

Menopause, according to Gloria Steinem, can give women a new drive and confidence. “What we lose in those menopausal years is everything we needed to support another person,” she argues. “What we keep is everything we need to support ourselves.” Former Columbia Journalism Review editor Suzanne Braun Levine takes this as her cue in a new book, How We Love Now, arguing that older women have more satisfying experiences of intimacy because we can shuck off expectations of femininity, niceness and acceptability, to be more honest about desire.

Internet dating sites have made finding someone to suit this new, more assertive state easier. There are some that are specifically (and by some accounts successfully) targeted at people in the second half of life, though one Gransnetter warns, to no one’s great surprise: “All the old men of 70 think they are only 40, so that’s the age of woman they are looking for.”

Sex, for most people, does tail off at some point, though there’s little consensus about the timing or rate of decline. For some, it may stop abruptly on an otherwise unremarkable holiday; others have every intention of continuing to the end of their days and will point out that less frequent doesn’t always mean less intense.

Greater longevity and improved health mean that a phase of life never previously seen now exists: an extended middle-age: fit, competent and interested in sex. The novelty of this means that very little is understood about its erotic possibilities – but these are likely to be as varied as for any other group and, probably, more so. “Don’t give up hope,” one woman posted recently. “I speak as one who met the love of my life (and he really is just that) six years ago after 15 years of (intentional) celibacy. I’m nearly 74 and he’s 56.” Meanwhile, another poster reported that she knows of one 80-year-old care-home resident who insists on having her vibrator passed to her every night.

gransnet.com

Sexul si cei peste 60 de ani

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