Este un cliseu vechi, in care barbatii si femeile comunica diferit.
Barbatii se plang adesea ca pur si simplu nu inteleg femeile; femeile sunt frustrate de aceeasi problema. Oamenii se despart in grupuri segregate de gen, pentru a discuta ce le-a spus un partener sau un zdrobitor. “Ce crezi ca a vrut sa spuna asta?” – Tipule, e atat de nebuna. Poti sa o crezi? ” – Uh, barbatii sunt astfel de porci. “Sincer, cine stie cum functioneaza creierul femeilor?”
Desigur, nu este nimic diferit in mod diferit despre modul in care diferiti genuri comunica – unii barbati au mai multe sanse sa comunice pe un ton feminin, unele femei vor putea sa comunice mai mult ca un barbat, iar altele se amesteca si se potrivesc cu adevarat.
Insa cresterea de sex masculin sau feminin va insemna ca sunteti socializat intr-un mod specific, instruiti sa acordati prioritate unui mod de comunicare fata de altul, iar cand se intampla de multe ori cu destui oameni, se observa tendinte marcante.
Strict vorbind, nu este nimic in neregula cu doua persoane (sau doua grupuri de persoane) care au stiluri de comunicare diferite. Dar atunci cand aceste diferente sunt suficient de mari si oamenii sunt in contact suficient de strans, poate duce la rezultate negative – comunicare gresita, frustrare, lupte si chiar destramari urate.
Intelegerea modului de a comunica cu cineva al carui stil de comunicare difera de al tau, poate avea un impact major in capacitatea ta de a te raporta la ei, de a te intelege cu ei si de a te salva atat de dureri de cap, cat si de dureri de inima.
Pentru a ajunge la aceasta problema, un expert in matrimoniale, un autor, un terapeut si o mana de femei reale s-au deschis despre modul in care barbatii si femeile comunica diferit (si modul in care barbatii se pot imbunatati la reducerea decalajului in relatiile lor cu femeile din vietile lor).
Comunicare masculina vs. comunicare feminina
„Problema este ca barbatii nu cred ca femeile sunt oameni.” – Genny, 33 de ani
Deci, care sunt exact diferentele de baza intre modul de comunicare masculin si feminin? Frances Metzman, eseist si autor, observa ca schimbarile se duc „din nou in copilarie”.
„Baietilor li se ofera camioane de foc si arme, in timp ce fetele primesc cupe si papusi minuscule,”, noteaza ea. „Femeile sunt invatate sa fie hranitoare, in timp ce barbatii au o singura minte in a se gandi la o cariera. Rezultatul este ca focurile si razboiul reprezinta [lucruri] puternice si virile, in timp ce ceainele nu afecteaza lumea. Inca din copilarie, regulile nescrise sunt in vigoare. ”
Dupa cum va asteptati, diferentele in ceea ce priveste modul in care baietii si fetele si invatat sa se angajeze cu lumea si reciproc in copilarie timpurie produc adulti care functioneaza foarte diferit.
„Barbatii si femeile au un machiaj psihologic foarte diferit”, spune antrenorul de intalniri bazat pe NYC, Connell Barrett. „S-a spus ca barbatii sunt de pe Marte si ca femeile sunt din Venus. Pentru a ramane in taramul cosmosului, cred ca barbatii sunt ca domnul Spock, iar femeile sunt ca si capitanul Kirk. Barbatii sunt foarte logici in modul in care comunica, in timp ce femeile sunt mult mai in contact cu emotiile lor si le place sa se conecteze pe o lungime de unda emotionala. “
Aceste instantanee bazate pe spatiu ar putea sa va ofere un indiciu despre enormitatea golului dintre formele de comunicare traditional masculine si feminine, dar Metzman observa ca exista consecinte pentru toate acestea, dincolo de doar un cuplu care are un argument minor despre ce trebuie sa luati la cina.
„In mare, barbatii sunt invatati sa inabusi emotiile – nu este un lucru bun pentru sanatatea buna”, spune Metzman. “Presupunerea mea este ca ar putea face parte din motivul pentru care femeile traiesc de obicei mai mult decat barbatii.”
Aceasta nu este o simpla conjectura – studiile au legat mortalitatea masculina timpurie de singuratatea barbatilor, mai tarziu in viata, si luptele lor de a forma legaturi semnificative cu oameni in afara unei relatii romantice primare. A fi capabil sa comunice bine este literalmente o problema de viata si de moarte. Deci, cum puteti aborda asta?
„Exista multa munca pentru a avea o comunicare semnificativa, care este poate oarecum inspaimantatoare”, adauga Metzma. „Trebuie sa fim constienti in mod constant de aceste probleme din trecut pentru a schimba prezentul. De fapt, schimbarea modului in care comunicam contribuie puternic la crearea relatiilor noastre. Nu numai ca functioneaza bine, dar plin de bucurie, umor, sustinere si dragoste – asta este de durata. ”
Ce au barbatii gresit despre comunicarea cu femeile
„Lucrurile gresite de barbati: incerc sa-mi„ rezolv ”problemele atunci cand trebuie doar sa fiu ascultat si inteles. Renuntarea la sentimentele sau experienta mea. O incapacitate de a fi responsabila, ar prefera sa-mi puna vina. Evitarea comunicarii, a perioadei, pentru ca este prea infricosatoare – de aceea trebuie doar sa inchizi in loc sa te deschizi. ” – Daria, 35 de ani
If you ask a group of women about what men get wrong about communication, you’ll get a variety of answers. Most women are used to feeling frustrated and confused about men’s communication styles, and they’re very much aware that sometimes, it feels like talking across genders can feel like you’re speaking in two different languages. So what are the issues in play here?
Well, there are two significant issues that produce a lot of the gaps, misunderstandings and frustrations when it comes to male and female communication.
1. Men Assume Women Communicate the Same Way They Do
The first mistake a lot of guys make is approaching communication the same way regardless of their interlocutor’s gender. Meaning, they assume the way they communicate with other men will function just as well when it comes to talking to women.
That’s not to say that they use the exact same approach, word for word — many guys will consciously self-edit when talking to women, using a less masculine and jocular vocabulary, for instance, with a female coworker than a male one — but that they will still prioritise the same facets of communication.
“Men want to solve problems, and communication is a means to that end — put out the fire, patch the hole, save the kitten,” says Barrett. “Women prioritise exploring and sharing emotions. They see the connected conversation as the goal. For women, emotional communication is an end unto itself.”
In short, an inability to acknowledge and discuss emotions will put a guy at a disadvantage when it comes to talking to a woman. With blinders on, he’ll miss out on crucially important aspects of the conversation without ever realising it.
2. Men Dismiss the Importance of Female Modes of Communication
The second problem is that, while some men are aware that being able to center emotions within a conversation is an option, they don’t consider it viable or important.
“We all have the same needs,” says Metzman. “Only, men are pushed to repress theirs. We might say men are taught that they are the rational gender because communication means problem-solving and women just chatter emotionally without looking to fix problems. It seems to me that is just an excuse for keeping the status quo, a way for men to not be too intimate as that might make him feel too feminine, something that is taboo in our society.”
In order to genuinely meet a woman at her level, you need to respect that her communication style isn’t less important or less worthwhile than yours — it’s just different. If you can do that, adapting to it and improving at it will come much more easily.
How to Improve at Communicating With Women
“[Men need to start] learning when to take accountability and not blaming, using non-violent communication, actively listening.” – Billie, 32
1. Work on Respecting Her
Before you even get into notions of how to improve at this kind of communication, you need to address the possibility that you might have deep-seated misogynistic attitudes.
That’s not to say that you’re a chauvinist pig or a sexist monster, but that our society has historically been one where women have less power and are taken less seriously. It’s those attitudes that are transmitted to both men and women in childhood, and can be difficult to unlearn as adults.
“Before we can have better communication between men and women, we must first eliminate the pervasive, under-the-radar, negative attitudes toward women,” says Metzman. “Not easy to do, but it is a major step to better communication.”
And what does that look like in practice, you ask?
“A man must be attuned to what his partner says, not press the TV remote while she speaks,” notes Metzman. “If he does give the impression of listening and it’s something he can’t solve, he must rouse himself to understand that her feelings are meaningful and just as important as his. He has to cut loose the need to control or prove his worth over hers.”
2. Improve at Listening
The first step of communication is listening before you talk. Working on your ability to listen, then, is paramount. This isn’t something that will just happen automatically, but if you’re conscious that you want to improve at listening, you can make it something you truly attempt to work at on a daily basis.
“Women want men to understand them emotionally, so the first thing you do is listen,” says Barrett. “Just listen. Hold off on offering solutions until she feels heard.
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Ask empathetic questions. Let her know you understand.”
Part of that is also wanting to listen. Meaning, you should cultivate your curiosity about how she feels and what she thinks.
“Focus on exploring,” suggests Jor-El Caraballo, a relationship therapist and co-creator of Viva Wellness. “Ask more questions. Be curious about your partner and their needs. Really taking the time to listen to understand, and not respond, can go an incredibly long way in helping your communication skills.”
3. Fight the Urge to Fix Things
One mistake a lot of guys make when talking to women occurs when a woman is telling a man about a problem she has. If you’re a literal-minded, goal-oriented kind of guy, your first instinct might be to try to figure out a solution to that problem.
But if that’s what she’s looking for, she would have explicitly framed the conversation as a question like, “Can you help me solve this problem?” If, instead, she’s saying, “I’m having this problem,” it’s likely that she’s looking for something like compassion and support.
“Men hear things literally, but to better communicate with women, we have to hear things emotionally,” says Barrett. “If your girlfriend is dealing with a work conflict, don’t rush to help her resolve the issue. First, listen and show genuine empathy. Be an ear. As a girlfriend reminded me after a long, stressful day she had studying for the MCATs, ‘Stop trying to help me and just listen.’”
4. Look for Subtext
Unlike men, women are typically taught to couch what they’re saying in subtext. Because saying what you feel outright can be seen as very intense, rude or dominating, women often shy away from it, and that can mean understanding subtext plays a huge role in communicating with women.
This dynamic is at the heart of a lot of classic male/female conversational misunderstandings and frustration — “the classic example of ‘Does this make me look fat?’” for instance, according to Caraballo.
“If that happens often, you could respond, ‘Are you really asking me if you look fat or are you looking for a different answer?’” he says. “Odds are, she might want to feel seen and attractive to you in that moment, and you wouldn’t necessarily know that without asking the more outright question.”
In short, if you can work on your ability to parse questions that contain a deeper meaning than their specific wording, you can make huge leaps in your ability to connect with women.
5. Share Problems Without Attacking
When you’re talking about your hurt feelings, it can be easy for a conversation to slip into conflict if your complaints end up sounding too much like an attack. One way to get away from that is to change the way you frame your frustrations.
“When you communicate with your partner, share problems from the ‘I’ perspective,” says Caraballo. “Instead of saying, ‘You did X’ and ‘Why did you do Y?,’ which breeds defensive behaviour, try speaking from the personal ‘I’ and saying, ‘I felt hurt when you did X’ or ‘I felt so frustrated and confused when you did Y.’ This can help reduce misunderstandings and demonstrate patience and compassion rather than your communication feeling like an attack on their character or personhood.”
Not all men communicate the same way, and not all women communicate the same way, but it’s hard to ignore that certain modes of communication end up being gendered more often than not.
As a man, there’s nothing necessarily wrong with the way you communicate — but being able to understand how women approach communication, and the ways it’s different from the way you’re used to, can save you and the women you’re interacting with a lot of trouble.
