„De ce nu a plecat?” si alte probleme cu cultura sexuala moderna

Fotografie de Annie Spratt pe Unsplash

Anii trecuti au fost o perioada interesanta pentru a fi femeie. De la marsul femeilor pana la miscarea #metoo si miscarea #timesup, cel putin s-a vorbit mult despre felul de hartuire cotidiana cu care se confrunta femeile si, impreuna cu aceasta, unele actiuni care (speram) vor avea efecte pe termen lung.

Articolul care a aparut despre Aziz Ansari parea deosebit de controversat pentru multi. Cu multi iesind si spunand ca doar pentru ca ai avut o intalnire proasta nu inseamna ca poti „decide” ca a fost vorba despre un atac sexual. Am constatat ca acel articol si raspunsul pe care l-a generat sunt deosebit de suparatoare. Pentru ca atunci cand spun #metoo, este acel lucru la care ma gandesc. Nu in totalitate – a existat si perioada in care bunicul unui prieten m-a apucat de vagin cand aveam zece ani, sau de alta data un strain de pe strada si-a infipt mana pe fusta in timp ce treceam pe langa mine. Cand spun #metoo, numeroase exemple imi vin in minte, dar deseori este ceea ce se numeste „doar o data proasta”.

I, like most women, have been on tons of “bad dates” that sound incredibly similar to Grace’s experience with Ansari. Things escalated too quickly, they went too far, and I had sex I didn’t want to have (and yes, oral sex is still sex). I too spent the cab ride home crying and texting my friends, looking for support for how shitty I felt. I didn’t call it assault, because, well, I hadn’t said no. Or at least didn’t say no clearly and often enough. I blamed myself. Why didn’t I leave? Why didn’t I say no more forcefully? Why didn’t I tell him to stop or say I was uncomfortable?

There are so many reasons why and none of them sound sufficient to me or to anyone else, so I didn’t call the experience assault, but that doesn’t change the trauma I feel from these experiences. Was it my responsibility to say no or leave? Yes, I am an adult and I have autonomy. But isn’t it also the other person’s responsibility to make sure that the person he is having sex with wants to be having sex with him? Yes, I think so. I’m not suggesting getting consent before every single forward movement, I agree that that is probably impractical. But if someone seems uncomfortable or not super into it, maybe stop and check-in.

I have no problem speaking my mind and standing up for myself in most situations, so why do I find it so hard when it comes to sex?

I think of all the times I didn’t say no. When “come back to my place for a drink” quickly escalated into clothes being removed and fumbling fingers. I think about how I kissed back so I didn’t think I could change my mind. It was too late, I’d already gone too far. I didn’t want it to keep going, but I was afraid of what would happen if I tried to stop it.

And then I think of all the times I did say no, because really if I’m honest, most of the “bad dates” I’ve had involved me saying no. I think of the time I lost my virginity when I said no so many times until I didn’t anymore. When I had to force him to use a condom, only to have him pull it off halfway through without telling me. I think of all the times I’ve straight up told dates “I’m not going to have sex with you,” and how it only made them try harder. I think of the times I actually did get up to leave, how I told them no and how they argued and argued with me. Cajoled, continued touching, grabbing, kissing. They didn’t believe my no. They figured if they just kept trying, kept asking, I’d give in, and sometimes they were right. And then I’d beat myself up for undermining all women — I said no and fucked him anyway, this is only going to make them not believe the next woman. I leave and take the hot shower, and spiral into a pit of shame and disgust with myself “how could I let this happen again?” He probably doesn’t give me another thought. I send him a text to try to convince myself he does care about me, at least a little bit, but there’s no response. Sometimes I do hear back and I have sex with them again, why? Because maybe if it turns into something, if it wasn’t just a sleazy one night stand, I don’t have to feel so shitty about it. I don’t have to feel disgusted with myself for being so weak.

And then I wonder, why is it continuously on women to bear the brunt of this guilt, this shame? I wasn’t the only person there. How could my continuous refusal be misconstrued? As I’ve gotten older, the instances of this have been much fewer. And that’s primarily because I don’t go to a man’s house unless I’m ready to have sex with him.

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I know that just by agreeing to enter that space, there is a tacit implication that we are going to fuck. Is this the kind of world we want to live in? Constant fear that by going over to someone’s house, you have to have sex with them? Of course, I know I don’t have to. But they will try and I will have to physically and verbally fight him off and I’m sick of the fight.

So yes, these “bad dates” are common. And maybe they aren’t legally assault, but does that mean we’re ok with this as a norm? Are we fine to accept the fact that it’s men’s job to try and women’s job to refuse (and refuse and refuse and refuse)? Shouldn’t we expect more of men? Aren’t men capable of more nuance? I’d like to think so.

It is extremely telling to me that I am genuinely shocked when a man doesn’t try to pressure me into sex or does get explicit consent. It’s so uncommon that I don’t even know how to react.

We still have a lot of work to do on this front. I am grateful that we are having more conversations about these issues, and the Aziz Ansari article sparked more individual conversations with men for me than any of the other big stories that came out. The incident described in that article is more common. Harvey Weinstein is a supervillain. Aziz is the everyday nice guy who fucked up. The guy more guys relate to, and that’s why that article was so important. Yes, we want to put the supervillain in jail, but we need to do more. It’s time for a reckoning of sex culture that holds both men and women to a higher standard.