Intotdeauna am avut probleme sa inteleg relatiile sociale. Crapand sa deschida coperta jurnalului de unicorn Lisa Frank din copilarie, am gasit dovezi in cuvintele sinelui meu de opt ani:
„Aceasta este adevarata poveste din… ziua in care eu si Filip cel rau s-au despartit (in secret). Am vrut sa ma marit cu el cand am crescut – Pana acum. … Am pasit piciorul lui Philip – din greseala. El a strigat un tipat cu urechile urechilor si mi-a spus: „NICIODATA NU PASTETI PE PISCINUL MAESTRU! Am iesit, plangand.
„Filip cel rau” nu a fost prietenul meu, cu atat mai putin o dragoste de scoala. El era doar un al cincilea elev care se afla si in corul bisericii. Relatia a fost in totalitate 100% in capul meu.
Intalnirea si relatiile sunt un teritoriu strain. Fac tot posibilul sa le calaresc si cred ca am partile importante in jos, cum ar fi sa iubesc oamenii si sa fiu amabil cu ei, dar subtilitatile limbajului corporal, cunoasterea raspunsurilor adecvate si ideea de a fi in legatura cu sentimentele imi scapa. Este exact asa cum sunt, parte integranta a tulburarii din spectrul meu de autism (ASD).
WTF este o intalnire, oricum?
Chiar a doua zi, asistentul meu social la un program de agrement la care am participat m-a intrebat daca vreau sprijin de intalnire. Am plecat pe o tangenta lunga si vaga inainte de a ma opri, privind-o si recunoscand: „Sincer, nici macar nu sunt sigur ce este intalnirea!”
Activitatile care sunt inradacinate in lumea noastra sociala ma mistifica. Eu sunt tipul de persoana care incearca sa analizeze intelectual intamplarile emotionale, deoarece acestea nu au un sens logic pentru mine. In copilarie, imi foloseam animalele umplute pentru a sta in picioare pentru diferite persoane in situatii sociale pe care le-am actionat inainte de culcare. In gimnaziu, am venit cu sapte calitati care aveau sa fie cerute intr-un meci romantic si le-am angajat din suflet. In liceu, am folosit hartie grafica pentru a diagrama persoanelor pe care le cunosteam: erau „cunostinte prietenoase”, „prieteni” sau „prieteni apropiati”?
Am apelat la jurnalul meu, terapeutii si membrii familiei mele pentru a impartasi rationamentul meu rational in spatele sentimentelor si vietii sociale. Sora mea m-a informat ca formula mea bazata pe numere, care credea oamenii din viata mea pe zece calitati si elemente diferite pe o scara de la 1 la 5 pentru a-mi da seama cine era prietenul meu, era complet ridicola si lipsita. Daca nu inteleg oamenii din perspectiva sociala, atunci ii analizez intelectual. Clasific oamenii in relatie cu mine, uneori in moduri extrem de discutabile – de exemplu, observ ca batausii mei au facut-o cumva in listele „prietene cunoscute” sau „prietene” din anii mei adolescenti.
PUBLICITATE
Cand am inceput facultatea, nu am avut experienta de intalnire. Desi nu este nimic in neregula cu un inceput romantic la varsta adulta, in jurul sau exista o stigma. M-am simtit rusinat si nedorit. Acea stima de sine scazuta a dus la prioritati si mai mici. Am sfarsit sa am un „iubit” timp de trei saptamani de prim an, numarand vacanta de Ziua Recunostintei de cinci zile. Nu am simtit nimic pentru el. Motivul meu a fost: „Nimeni altcineva nu ma va dori oricum, asa ca daca cineva arata interes, sa sara inauntru.” A fost o „relatie”, daca poti numi asta, de dragul de a avea o relatie – toata suprafata. Ca un tort dezgustator, cu ingheturi frumoase, ii lipseau ingredientele pentru fericire.
Fluturand la Flirting
– Iti amintesti ca ai avut zece ani si baiatul de la petrecerea de Craciun a incercat sa flirteze cu tine? a intrebat-o pe mama.
Asteptam pe o linie destul de lunga pentru a vorbi cu Mosul, care a fost destul de dragut sa vina la petrecerea de la biroul companiei tatalui meu, iar acest copil enervant imi sfasia foi de hartie in maruntisuri, plouandu-l peste par, zambindu-mi si urmandu-ma in jur. Un copil serios, obsedat de regula, i-am spus unui adult ca ma deranjeaza pentru ca ma simt destul de hartuit.
„A fost atat de mortificat”, a spus mama. „Voia doar sa fie in preajma ta.”
Vai, rau meu! Totusi, flirtul este descurajant. Experienta mea foarte limitata sugereaza ca depinde foarte mult de citirea expresiilor faciale si de a ghici instantaneu ce gandeste cealalta persoana, apoi sa actioneze in timp util. Citirea inexacta a limbajului corporal este un deficit la intalnire. Am facut un test de citire a fetei – practic te uiti la o serie de fotografii ale ochilor si alegi raspunsul cu alegere multipla care corespunde cu ceea ce emite ochii. Desi eram mandru ca am identificat corect ochii fericiti si speriati, la sfarsitul chestionarului a existat un tipar clarificator. Toti ochii pe care i-am crezut furiosi mi se pareau in mod flirtat, aratandu -mi privirea! Cat de incomod pentru mine sa citesc anumiti ochi sexy ca fiind agravati.
Dupa o interpretare extinsa a datelor, jurnalizare si mulling, pot intelege limbajul corpului. Totusi, flirtul este accelerat, aparand in momentele care picura cu subtext. Timpul de a actiona este acum , dar necesita mai mult timp procesarea informatiilor sociale. S-ar putea sa nu-mi dau seama ce sa fac pana la zile, saptamani sau ani mai tarziu.
Am fost la Babeland si am avut o conversatie cu fata fabuloasa din spatele tejghelului despre cat de amuzant este cand oamenii parasesc magazinele de jucarii sexuale ascunzand geanta si privind in jos. Cand am cumparat un vibrator, mi-a zambit si mi-a spus: „Voi arunca bateriile gratuit!” Era oare ceva special de care nu stiam? Era prietenoasa? Sau dadeai lucruri gratuite din spatele unui ghiseu de jucarii sexuale, de fapt, un fel de ciudat si admirabil tip de flirt lacrimat cu aparate sexuale? Indiferent daca flirtase sau nu cu mine, era prea tarziu. Nu am facut nimic pentru a-i cerceta in continuare scopul, asa ca concluzia mea este ca am pierdut un moment.
Spunand nimic nu ma duce nicaieri, dar si abordarea mea excesiv de entuziasma ma incurca. Cand aveam paisprezece ani am publicat despre comunicatiile pe internet cu o operatie:
„A inceput sa-mi faca imagini cu mine! Am trimis chipuri zambitoare! A fost distractiv minunat! El a mai spus ca am facut o treaba buna! Yipee. Poate ca mie imi place la urma urmei. Ei bine, poate ca nu ar fi trebuit sa trimit fata sarutata in IM, dar probabil ca a uitat deja de asta.
Pe baza faptului ca a oprit in mod misterios mesajele instantanee dupa ce i-am trimis fata sarutata, mi-e greu sa cred ca a uitat de asta. Este o dovada suplimentara a modului in care mi se pare prea usor sa interpretez gresit semnele ca oamenii sunt sau nu sunt interesati. Unde este linia dintre prietenie si mai mult decat prietenie? De ce oamenii flirteaza fara sa intentioneze vreodata sa se implice romantic? Flirting-ul este un joc social cu reguli ambigue.
– Soldatul meu, a spus ea, plantand un sarut – impulsiv sau planificat? – pe obrazul meu. Era o academica cu parul nobil barbierit. Am fost lovit. Am „picat” cu prajituri de casa, i-am citit cartile de tarot, i-am ascultat rau in timpul apelurilor telefonice de la miezul noptii si am vizitat-o cand era bolnava. Era ceva despre felul in care m-a tratat sau m-a privit, tensiunea in ochii aceia sau zambetul.
Intr-o seara, in timp ce plecasem, nu mi-am dat seama incuietorul de la iesirea din apartamentul ei, asa ca m-am uitat la ea si am spus cu indrazneala: „Cred ca raman in seara asta”. Dar apoi momentul a disparut, o respiratie, respirati, respirati, urmatorul. Cand chiar si fragila noastra prietenie s-a dizolvat, am devenit frustrat.
Cum pot spune asta?
Cu universitatea, m-am simtit inghetat. Nu am vorbit destul de curand. “La ce te gandesti?” intreba ea, privind fix in ochii mei, dispusa sa vorbesc. M-am gandit sigur ca poate spune. Poate ca ar putea , dar poate si ea a vrut sa o urmaresc romantic si sa-i spun cat de uimitoare a fost. Nesigur de actiunile mele, cu gura super-lipita inchisa, am ramas tacut. Dificultatea de a comunica eficient este o parte a spectrului autismului. Pentru mine, aceasta dificultate consta atat in exprimarea mea, cat si in intelegerea sensurilor ascunse complexe din limbaj, care este ea insasi sociala.
„Hei, cum merge anul nou?”, Citeste mesajul. Desigur, am raspuns sincer. Este bine sa spun „Am bronsita” ca initiator al conversatiei pentru intalniri online? Pentru ca exact asta am facut.
Intelegerea limbajului joaca un rol important in modul in care datele si flirturile nu reusesc. Am tendinta de a lua lucrurile in mod literal – mi-a fost nevoie de ani buni pentru a intelege in mod eficient sarcasmul si imi lipseste adesea punctul de a face glume „murdare” sau inuendo. Sau, dimpotriva, supracompensez si ma pierd in cautarea semnificatiilor secrete din spatele cuvintelor.
A fost o singura data cand am dat accidental la o intalnire pe OKCupid. Am trimis mesaje inainte si inapoi timp de cateva saptamani. Au inceput conversatia spunand: „Mi-ar placea foarte mult sa va fiu prieten. Am fost atat de incantat de gandul de a-mi face prieteni, incat am luat cuvintele la valoarea nominala, ceea ce este aparent un lucru periculos de facut atunci cand sunt implicate site-uri de intalniri online.
We met at a park, and as we took the long loop around the park, we covered quite a bit of area with which I was unfamiliar. At one point, we saw a little wooden bridge. They stopped on the path and looked at me and said, “How romantic!” Pause. Oh no. My brain froze. Was this a date? Noooo, this can’t be a date. Their first message to me ever, they had started off the conversation by saying they’d really like to be my friend. But in order to deter those looking for one-night stands, I had mentioned on my dating profile that I was only interested in dating people who wanted to be friends first. As I mulled over the perceptible shift in our time together, brought on by the supposedly-romantic presence of a small wooden bridge, I made my choice. I did not want to give any romantic overtones a chance, so I laughed and kept walking.
“We can still be friends,” he said. One of the greatest confusions in the dating world lies in this traditional break-up phrase.
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I sincerely believed it when it was directed at me, despite hearing that this phrase within neurotypical society often means, “We definitely can’t ever be friends again.” Why would you lie and say you want to be friends when you don’t? I would prefer if somebody told me, “We really can’t still be friends” because then, I wouldn’t waste my time trying only to be met with bewildering resistance.
Why Did I Do That?
Having autism spectrum disorder is like lacking social instinct. So I do my best at making it up.
She was the kind of college classmate who made that mustard-yellow floral print dress look pretty instead of like a curtain. One sunny spring day, she invited me to go skinny-dipping with her. This was a liberal hippie college I went to, and there were waterfalls and forests on the campus. My crush invited me to swim naked. Instead of being in my right mind and saying “yes,” I didn’t respond to the question. I just wandered away in the opposite direction downhill, leaving her bemused and confused. I had no idea what to do, so I did nothing.
On a rare occasion that I attended a party with a friend, I very openly checked out a hot queer and tried my best to flirt, with no discernable response. Five minutes later, my friend introduced me to the same attractive person as his new lover, putting me a highly-embarrassing situation.
Satisfactory social responses are often more obvious to nonautistic individuals. My behavior can be misinterpreted as ludicrous excuses or just being a jerk, when I’m simply lacking social knowledge.
Culminating
“So it’s a date?”
The phone call that started with my teeth clamped shut was much more enjoyable than I’d expected. “Yes!” I cried enthusiastically.
Twenty minutes later, I was busy mulling over the meaning of the phrase, “So it’s a date.” Figuratively it would be a good way to confirm, “Our plans are set.” Literally, it is a nice way to ask, “So we are going on a date, yes?” To calm my jitters, I watched an episode of the PBS cartoon Arthur, but became even more confused when Arthur the aardvark told Buster the bunny, “So it’s a date?” I doubted the wholesome comic animals were in a secret relationship, so perhaps this phrase was normal to say to your buddies? But I had to take the context into consideration. My mind spinning, I decided to “clarify” that we were hanging out “just as friends.”
After I went to dinner, it was like my feelings caught up with me, and I immediately regretted my clarification. Emotions are messy and complicated, and so are relationships. I want answers, but sometimes, there is no clear-cut line between friends and more. I accidentally sabotage myself, bungling involvements before they have a chance to grow. For that reason, I’ve worried that potentially-romantic interactions are too distressing to be worth the trouble.
Yes, some sexy eyes make me feel threatened since I think they are on the angry attack. It takes extra work for me to communicate effectively. But no matter how many corners I hide in, I have to keep trying. We risk so much by trying, but more by not. Without giving relationships a shot, I may be less drained, but I’ll also lose out on the great satisfaction I find in the few connections I keep.
In my teenage years, I felt trapped in a Catch-22: I believed that I would never get any romantic or sexual experience because nobody would want to be with somebody without experience. Only by continuing to try and by working through my relationship mistakes did I find somebody who could love me. Through my experiences with this wonderful person, with whom I am in an open relationship, I have learned more about how to communicate than any how-to guide could teach. And while I’m never going to be the first one who shouts out “That’s what she said!”, I’ve improved at catching innuendo and body language — or at the very least, I’ve gotten more direct at asking, “What does that face you’re making mean?”
I know social relationships are harder for me, but the last thing I want to do is use autism as an excuse. Acknowledging my autism spectrum disorder makes me remember I’m wired differently. I like to think that, although my romantic relating is bumpy, I get points for passion and loyalty — clumsily executed but obviously full of love. For those of us with ASD, we shouldn’t fall into the trap of thinking that we have to overcompensate for autistic qualities in order to make good dates or partners. Our good qualities are inseparable from our autistic selves, from the person inside who is labeled with autism or Asperger’s syndrome. It’s in all of our best interest widen the level of acceptable ways of making friends, showing romantic interest, and participating in relationships. We may have to try harder to flirt, much less date, but in my (albeit, limited) experience, the right people are willing to try harder too, learn to communicate in our different language, and see us — and like us — for who we are.
