Daca ai 40 de ani sau mai mult, exista o sansa destul de buna sa termini sa intalnesti un barbat divortat la un moment dat.
Acesta este cu siguranta un cal de o culoare diferita de celulele tinere singure pe care le-ati datat in trecut. Asadar, am vrut sa va ofer un videoclip si un articol care sa va ajute sa navigati in lumea de a cunoaste un om care are experienta intr-o relatie de lunga durata … dar care poate avea si propriul bagaj.
Avand in vedere ca sunt barbat … dar nu divortat … am vrut sa va gasesc cel mai bun expert in intalnirea cu un barbat divortat pe care l-as putea gasi.
Se pare ca nu a trebuit sa ma uit departe. Mama mea, Ann LoDolce, este avocat de divort, asa ca i-am atins intelepciunea infinita pentru a va ajuta!
Antrenorul tau,
PS Sunteti intr-o calatorie chiar acum si este unul care va avea atat bucurii, cat si frustrari. Atelierul meu Cum sa gasesti dragoste Dupa 40 de ani este ghidul perfect care sa te ajute in drum. Inscrieti-va aici.
Introducere
Daca sunteti divortat, veti aprecia cu siguranta faptul ca lucrurile stau altfel decat erau atunci cand erati single. S-ar putea sa fiti un parinte cu fractiune de norma, sa aveti un fost cu care inca va certati, sau chiar sa va dezinstalati de cheltuielile si traumele emotionale cauzate de divortul in sine.
Dar, indiferent, cautati dragoste si meritati absolut.
Acelasi lucru este valabil si pentru intalnirea cu un tip divortat: el poate avea cateva lucruri care ii fac viata … bine … mai putin simplu decat v-ati dori, dar asta nu inseamna ca nu este un mare candidat pentru rolul domnului Right.
Iata cateva lucruri de care ar trebui sa fiti constienti daca iesiti cu barbati divortati.
1. El ar putea fi dezamagit despre motivul divortului
prin GIPHY
La a doua sau a treia intalnire cu un tip nou care a fost divortat, este posibil sa-l intrebi ce s-a intamplat in casnicia sa.
Una dintre cele trei lucruri se va intampla:
El va fi cu totul onest in legatura cu motivul ( „Ne-am certat tot timpul. A fost un mediu toxic.” )
Va fi un pic mai veioasa sau vaga despre asta ( „Doar nu a fost gandit sa fie.” )
Sau va discuta despre asta.
Stiu. Nu asta vrei sa auzi. Dar mama mea, care a ajutat nenumarati oameni sa navigheze in lumea complicata a divortului, spune ca este un subiect foarte neplacut pentru majoritatea oamenilor si veti gasi adesea in intalnirea cu un barbat divortat, ca poate nu doreste sa vorbeasca deloc despre asta.
„Dar trebuie sa stii ceva despre cum s-a intamplat”, spune Ann.
Nu trebuie sa gratesti tipul la prima intalnire, dar, daca pare sa se dezvolte intr-o relatie, merita sa stii despre experienta sa trecuta dintr-un motiv: istoria se repeta.
Daca si-a inselat sotia sau a avut probleme de furie, trebuie sa fii foarte preocupat de modul in care asta ar putea afecta relatia ta cu el. Desi nu-mi place sa generalizez cu tot ce spune „odata un trisor, intotdeauna un inselator” , trebuie sa iei in considerare posibilitatea. A fost un lucru unic in timpul unei perioade stresante in relatia sa, sau a fost un trasator de serie?
Daca fosta sa sotie l-a inselat sau l-a ranit, asta poate face dificil pentru el sa se deschida catre tine si sa aiba incredere in tine pe deplin. Poti sa te descurci cu suspiciunea si gelozia lui?
2. Fostul sau va face parte din viata Lui
Ann spune ca acest lucru este valabil mai ales daca sunt implicati copii. Daca intalnesti un barbat divortat cu copii, te intalnesti cu intregul pachet … inclusiv, intr-o oarecare masura, fostul sot. Daca vei ajunge sa traiesti cu el, probabil ca vei impartasi custodia copiilor si va trebui sa cooperezi atat cu iubitul tau, cat si cu mama copiilor lui.
Este posibil sa fiti nevoit chiar sa intalniti fostul la un moment dat, ceea ce, desi nu este distractiv, va poate ajuta sa stabiliti o relatie cu ea si copiii ei. Acest lucru poate facilita trecerea la aceasta noua familie dinamica.
Incearca sa nu fii gelos pe relatia lor. El a trecut de la ea si este cu tine. El va trebui sa vorbeasca cu ea daca impartasesc custodia copiilor, iar asta ar putea sa se obisnuiasca. Permiteti timp sa se adapteze la acest lucru.
And if she’s overstepping, talk to him about establishing boundaries. Maybe she texts from the car when she arrives to pick up the kids rather than walking into the home you share.
3. He May Not Want to Get Married Again
If he’s not willing to consider getting married again, are you okay with that?
When you’re dating a divorced man, even if he’s head over heels in love with you after a few months, you have to be aware that he may never want to get remarried.
If the divorce was messy, that may have traumatized him to the point of believing he never wants to go through it again. Of course, you’re thinking if you did get married, you wouldn’t get divorced, but he’s playing it safe and protecting his heart by shutting out the possibility of marrying again.
There are a few paths you can take here. If you’re okay being in a long-term relationship without being married, great.
But if you dream of marrying a guy like this, you can either be patient and hope that he eventually heals from his divorce trauma and decides you’re the wife he always wanted…or if you think he’ll never change his mind, you can let go and move on.
4. He Could Be Jaded About Relationships Altogether
“Sometimes the divorce makes it very difficult to trust, and the person might be seeing only the worst in everybody around him for quite a while,” Ann says.
This can be tricky. Sometimes we bring our past relationships into our new relationships. It’s baggage. You might have some of your own, I’m guessing.
Be aware that you may have your work cut out for you. If he’s genuinely worth it, start building trust from the start. Work to show him that you’re not his ex. That you’re someone entirely different and worthy of his trust and love.
He needs to—and will—be open to a new relationship, but it may take time, so have patience.
5. He Could Be a Great Match!
Dating a divorced man could be the best decision you ever made!
Ann says that just because a man is divorced doesn’t mean he’s flawed or damaged. Sometimes relationships end, even after marriage vows and decades. If he learned about himself and about relationships in the process, then he could be great relationship material for you.
As you get more dating experience under your belt, you’ll meet men who have never been married or who haven’t even been in a serious relationship longer than a few months. Conversely, dating a divorced man lets you know that at least he understands how marriages and relationships work, and more than likely he’s had to compromise, communicate, and work at a relationship.
All good things for you, Sexy Confident lady!
6. If the Divorce is Fresh, He May Not Be Ready to Date
If that’s the case, you’re wondering, why is he dating?
Maybe his friends are pushing him to “get back out there.” Maybe he wants to find his confidence again. Maybe he’s just looking for sex. But if he’s not ready for a relationship, you’ll never convince him otherwise.
So…how do you know if it’s too soon?
Ask him when he got divorced. If it was within the last couple of years, just tread lightly. Pay attention to whether he talks about his ex often (either wistfully or angrily; either could indicate he still has unresolved issues.).
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If he’s only separated and not fully divorced, try to keep things light. The last thing you want to do is fall in love with a man who isn’t 100% available.
7. If He Has Kids, They Take Priority
If you date a divorced dad, you are also dating the kids!
If you have kids yourself, you totally get this. If not, you may feel like you’re vying for his attention when he’s focused elsewhere.
You won’t win that competition. He rightfully should be focused on his children, especially if they’re still healing and getting used to the post-divorce situation.
Wait as long as possible to meet his kids. Like, until you’ve exchanged the “L” word. Not only do you not want to enter these kids’ lives if there’s a good chance you’ll also be exiting soon, but you also don’t want to get attached to them and then have things not work out.
8. He May Be a Serial Monogamist
This isn’t flattering, I know, but some men are serial monogamists, moving from one long-term relationship to another. He may miss the stability and comfort of being married and may be looking for a relationship just to catch that vibe again.
It can be hard to spot a guy like this because you want a relationship too, and here’s a guy who seems keen to settle down with you. But if you don’t feel a 100% connection or things just seem off, despite him wanting to dedicate more and more time to you, realize that he may just want his next relationship, regardless of whether you’re the right fit or not.
9. He May Just Be Looking for a Warm Body
If his dating profile has a pic like this, he’s probably not looking for love!
The converse is true, too. He may be on the opposite end of the spectrum, looking for nothing more than casual sex. After all, he was in a relationship for years or even decades. Now he’s ready to play!
If you’re aligned with this, then good luck to you. But if you’re hoping that your weekly hookups turn into a relationship, I’m going to say that you’re probably barking up the wrong tree. Find a man (divorced or otherwise) who is ready to commit to you.
10. He’s (Probably) a Responsible Human Being
If you’ve dated men who live in bachelor pads that look like they probably did 20 years ago…
…men who can’t cook anything other than ramen…
…and men who run at the first sign of emotional intimacy…
…you’ll be delighted at what you get when dating a divorced man. He knows how to set up autopay for his bills. He can make a mean chicken cordon bleu. He’s on track to retire early. He can even French braid his daughter’s hair.
This guy may restore your faith in men simply because he is one. He’s not a manchild or Peter Pan. He takes responsibility for his actions. He knows how to communicate in a relationship, open the door for his lady, and admit when he’s wrong.
Conclusion:
Whether you’re divorced yourself or have just kissed a lot of the wrong frogs over the past few decades, remember what you’re looking for as you’re dating a divorced man.
“Be sensitive to your own needs, as well as his needs. It’s very, very important to keep in mind that you count as well as his needs,” Ann wisely says.
He may take more patience and effort than you expect, so make sure he’s truly worth it. Because trust me: you definitely are worth patiently waiting for the right guy for you!
Talk to me in the comments below: are you dating a divorced man? What issues or concerns have come up for you? What benefits have you seen?
Looking for love after 40? In my free webinar, you’ll learn the 3 strategies to attracting companionship during the best years of your life. Space is limited! Sign up here.
