Blocurile mele de integritate sexuala au inceput cu un prezervativ. Prima data cand am facut sex sobru a fost responsabila si m-am simtit in siguranta.
17 octombrie 2018 • De Richard JMV
Am renuntat sa scriu urmatoarea mea transa, sigur ca vreau sa-l pastrez usor. De asemenea, nu am vrut sa-mi retin niciunul dintre sentimente in sobrietatea timpurie. Toata lumea are o parere despre ceea ce ar trebui, sau nu ar trebui sa scriu. Erau atat de multe nesigurante care se roteau in jurul sexului si intimitatii. Nu mai stiam cine sunt. Vreau sa va spun ca mi-am dat seama de HIV si ca totul a fost in regula. Dar realitatea este ca am avut inca atat de mult de lucrat prin emotional si spiritual.
Te-am lasat ultima data la prima mea mandrie sobra. A fost uimitor, dar, desi ramanem abtinut de droguri si alcool, asta nu insemna ca nu va exista o coborare. Aproape ca am condus o masina cu o bancheta din spate plina de gunoi, iar VIATA MEA a ajuns sa se opreasca, toate gunoaiele au zburat pe scaunul din fata, unde am fost nevoit sa ma trec prin ea. Cu siguranta nu voiam sa stau in ea.
A doua zi dupa Pride, la sfarsitul lunii iunie 2014, m-am indreptat sa lucrez in dupa-amiaza urmatoare, alergand in urma pentru orice scuza. Am intarziat de atatea ori cu spanzuri si scuze – trenurile nu pot fi insurubate de atatea ori inainte ca seful meu sa-mi spuna sa-mi parasesc apartamentul mai devreme. Am intrat in munca, intrucat schimbarea incepuse deja. Eram complet coerent, dar totusi m-a asezat la birou si mi-a spus ca imi place ca angajat si ca persoana, dar mi s-a dat mai multe avertismente si el a trebuit sa ma lase sa plec.
Well, there it was: I had to suck it up and thank him for the opportunity and then grab my stuff from my designated locker and head home unsure of the next move. I needed to work, I wanted to stay busy, I felt like I wanted to drink because that was my solution in the past, but I knew it wouldn’t get me anywhere. I decided to suck up my pride and on my way to a house party at a friend’s place in Harlem, uptown Manhattan, I texted my old boss on Fire Island to see if she may have anything available for the summer.
The party was a blast. It was just a bunch of friends that I was spending time with and watching Madonna videos and eating good food. I got a message back that she would call me in a few minutes. We needed more snacks for the party, so I decided to take the call outside and she offered me a position starting on the Fourth of July.
I was happy and grateful I had a job again. This would be great. I was excited to get away from the city for the summer. I thought it’d be the perfect to getaway and be at the beach. It’d be peaceful and like taking a deep breath. I was hopeful.
My birthday is July 3rd, so I decided I’d celebrate at lunch with friends before heading out to Fire Island. I had a burger and lots of fries with some apple pie for dessert. It was the perfect send-off meal. I took the Long Island Rail Road to Sayville in Long Island where there are shuttle buses to transport you to the Sayville Ferry Service to board a boat with the gays to the island.
I was greeted at the dock on the other side by one rainbow flag and one American flag, the wind sweeping through my hair and blowing away my worries and troubles. I was going to make the best of this new journey. I settled myself on the house boat I’d be staying on for the summer with Robyn, an amazing friend that also owned a house about a minute walk from the dock. After a nap, I went to the house to get ready which included douching (just in case) and showering, styling my hair, and putting on a fierce outfit.
My birthday outfit
My first few days on the island were wonderful. I was making money, flirting with boys, and having no desire to escape from myself or my surroundings. There was this one guy that I met, and we were super into each other. We were at the pool at the Ice Palace, a local hotel and nightclub and a wonderful pool to spend your afternoons. We were getting great vibes from each other and spent the next couple of days hanging out, kissing, and it was nice.
The desire to have sex with him arose, and I felt it was time. We took a stroll back to his place together after one of the drag shows, and we entered his room. The nerves were rising, and we had to talk about it.
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This was the first time I had sex since giving up meth months before. We had to talk about our HIV statuses. I told him, and he was totally okay with it, but he wanted to wear a condom.
I’m not sure if you know this or not, but meth and condoms don’t really mix so this was also a little awkward for me. He even offered me poppers to assist, but being sober, I couldn’t use those either. Let’s just say that my first time sober with a well-endowed man really taught me the value of how to breathe, but it also taught me responsibility and consent. The experience was a life lesson on the building blocks of sexual integrity… and for many more stories I’m yet to tell you.
